Staying the course

Well it has been a difficult few months for Holly and I.  Holly’s back is causing her considerable and continual pain.  Despite the number of doctors, chiropractors and physical therapists she has seen, we still haven’t seen any significant improvement.  I found out I have cholesteatoma (a skin growth that erodes the surrounding ear bones, nerves and skin) in my right ear and have to have an operation to  remove it in November.  Sleeping has been hell.  I wake up exhausted every morning instead of refreshed.

So in the midst of this very foggy season of time, trying to write is like dipping from a dried up well.  Not being able to produce creative work makes me feel like I’m just fading away.

I don’t like not being able fix it for Holly.  I don’t like the feeling of “stuck” for me.  It makes me feel old and tired.  And yet, these circumstances have forced me to realize that the solution is not to fix or escape the pain.  The thing to do is to live it.  Notice it.  Stay with it.  Stay the course.   Even if it squelches me down into nothing, stay with it to the very last dying breath.

When I stop trying to avoid the pain, when I see it, there comes a new awareness that is helpful.  It’s like more space opens up in my mind and body, and I know that I am a part of a presence that is greater than my pain.  I’m no longer identified with the pain, but with something older and stronger.  And this presence sees me.  Notices me.   Loves me.  Is with me.

Most  days I feel like the world is too small.  Even if I climbed every mountain and explored every cave – even if I lived in all the cities in all the countries of the world, it would not be enough.  Only the ever expanding universe will do.   Growing.  Becoming.   I want to fill it all.